The DoE says he’s like a corgi, although not as well trained. And as for Cliff Richard. Cliff sodding Richard? What part of “Led Zeppelin” does he not understand? Still, Elton John will be there. Does he do anything other than Royal births, deaths, marriages and jubilees these days? He’s been insisting on doing yet another version of Candle in the Wind. One’s told him not to bother.
 
However, one is looking forward to leading a flotilla up the Thames. One’s ordered a new barge for the occasion, although the first incarnation was more like a tug than a Royal Barge.

One had Zippy and Bungle, sorry I mean Dave and Bozza, on the phone questioning the amount of gold and red I wanted for my boat. I told them to “sod off”; this is the United Kingdom after all, not some European Banana republic.
 

 
Mr Middleton brought a box of ASDA value meat and a case of Fosters with him, which quite frankly was more than a little awkward.

We weren’t entirely sure what happened to Camilla. She was last seen climbing a tree with a steak knife between her teeth saying she was off to catch squirrels. She has a habit of getting lost and we usually wait until she lights up and follow the smoke signals.
 
Andrew always attends these things in full Navy uniform. The DoE calls him the Rear Admiral. He’s got a little inflatable boat on the Buckingham Palace Lake. He’s been trying to get back to the Falklands for years; no one’s mentioned that the lake is landlocked. Still, keeps him busy and we throw him a sausage about once every half hour when he floats past.
 

One’s Caribbean territories seems to cope quite well without any discernable sign of a Government and one only has to check in occasionally to make sure they haven’t been taken by the French.
 
It’s not easy having a Cabinet of school children here in the UK. If it’s not Tom and Jerry, yes Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg, falling out with one another it’s Dangermouse Osborne sodding up a budget. Still, his counting skills are coming on wonderfully - he can get to ten now if he uses both hands and both feet. But there was a bit of a drama at Downing Street this week when Mr Clegg dropped his etch-a-sketch into the paddling pool thus practically bringing the Liberal Democrats to a complete standstill. He hasn’t been that upset since his knob fell off (his etch-a-sketch). Not that Labor’s Mr Bean, that’s Ed Miliband, is much 
 

It was Catherine’s first Queen Karaoke last year of course, and she did a rather good job of Bohemian Rhapsody, with Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie on backing vocals.

She’d knitted everyone their own Freddie Mercury jumper as a special surprise, bless her. The Duchess of York used to do a rather good ‘I Want to Break Free’ but obviously hasn’t been around much since actually breaking free.

One finishes proceedings with one’s own version of ‘Killer Queen’, which is live streamed to Heads of Government around the world as something of a warning.
 

It was like the Six Wives of Lenin. President Putin called to assure one it had absolutely nothing to do with him, but the DoE’s convinced they’re his personal bodyguards.
 
There were a few power ballads about collapse of the Euro, illegitimacy of the European Court and that kind of thing, which must have felt very difficult in Brussels. Greece did their best to show the world what happens in a country with no money and no Government. The place hasn’t been the same since the DoE left, to be honest.
 
Jedward provided the Irish entry, proving that Ireland has adopted the Euro in more ways than one.

You’ve got to feel sorry for them. The irony of twins who can’t sing in time isn’t
lost on your Queen. By the time they’d finished one was seriously considering putting Ireland on eBay.The DoE spent a fair percentage of the Civil List voting for Greece,