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The Big Fame Issue

08.06.2012

Guest
Editor

By everyone’s favourite woolly thespian, the delightful Monkey


Prepare to have your pants charmed off, as this week our celebrity friend Monkey reveals the truth about what it is truly like to be famous in the 21st Century and tells us about his mission to change the way we view the woolly acting community. Expect top-celebrity tips; what he thinks about Kony; plus some never seen before woolly acting. There is even a bit of Anika Rice and Schofield for good measure. Ode’s to be rich and famous!


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A fame how to

Hello friends and fans. I want to talk to you about ‘fame’. It can be a cruel mistress, crueler still for woolly actors such as myself. Never the less I shall try and tame this feisty vixen for you. There is to be no stone left unturned in the hunt for the limelight.
 
We begin with three steadfast ways of getting your fiifteen minutes.

1. Public exposure
 
Your public is hungry for a scandal, so the secret is to satisfy them. These Mexican politicians got it right, they got ‘em out for the cause. Mr Cameron’s PR machine could learn a trick or two, don’t you think?
 
But its not only politicians getting naked, even the finest actor of his day was prepared to take his kit off for a little boost to his career. Take George from rainbow, now there’s a woolly thespian comfortable in his own skin. My old friend H.G. - Hugh Grant - wanted him to co-star in Notting Hill - it’s a pity he didn’t make the final cut. 









 

2. Immortalise yourself
 
If you don’t feel comfortable with your mammaries out, or you simply don’t have any, why not try this approach: Like Van Gogh and many great artists before him, my next example lived in the shadow of fame, but in death he dances in its heavenly effervescence. Immortalise yourself like last years winner of the Darwin awards.
 
3. Do a Joey
 
Finally, for a more direct approach, you could wrongly quote Nietzsche, knee people in the back and comment on art you don’t really understand. I give you, Joey Barton. Effective, but certainly not my preferred approach.
 
So, to conclude, get your mamms out, kill yourself in an entertaining way, or be the village idiot. 
 

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Fame and infamy; the blurry boundary

It is true to say that fame is always on the hunt for fresh meat. The next half witted Australian to marry Jordan? Or perhaps a footballer who hasn’t fully understood the underlying principals of twitter. But a dictator. Really?
 

 
 

I mean who is this Kony guy? He doesn’t have any real talent, in fact he’s an idiot. The viral film which did the rounds earlier this year, used the strapline “Make Kony famous” in a bid to fast track the tyrant to superstardom. I’d say it was a major PR faux par. However 104,506,332 million people do know what a terrible man he is which can only be a good thing for the world. 

Talking about the world, Greece is in a bit of a pickle. If you hadn’t heard of them before, 














 

they’re certainly famous now. That’s show business for you, one minute your everybody’s favourite holiday destination, then you’re washed up, fighting amongst yourselves, contemplating a desperate loan from the Germans. Shame.

There is, however, one man working in show business, whose infamy has been conveniently overlooked for too long. 

Well now it is time for the world to hear the truth, isn’t it Stephen Spielberg? You know him as the father of modern cinema, but I know him as a heathen, an infidel behind the lens. Contrary to popular belief, Stephen is guilty of robbing you of two of the finest performances of our generation. He’s got away with it until now, but cast your eyes over Jurassic Park’s original T-Rex and Jaws’ original leading man. Now try and tell me I’m wrong. 
 

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Fame 2.0

Fame has come a long way in the last 10 years.
 
These days your fans follow you on all these new fangled social media sites like Tweeter, but I much preferred when they actually followed you home, screaming your name, loitering around outside your house waiting for a glimpse, then they would hopelessly scavenge through your rubbish for a used tissue or some soiled underwear. That was loyalty. That was dedication.
 

I mean that Nicki Minaj doesn’t know she’s born, if all 11 918 805 barbz (fans according to the Niktionary) were proper fans she’d probably have been murdered and had her skin turned into a jacket. John Lennon, eat your heart out. 
 
When talking about the search for fans it’s impossible not to consider the most popular man on the internet – Mark Zuckerberg. It says he’s got 14 million subscribers (presumably fans) on Facebook. Either they don’t like him enough to buy his shares or they didn’t get the status update when he floated Facebook on NASDAQ. What’s $5 bn between friends anyway? 

No one has Nicki Minaj doll or a Mark Zuckerberg lunchbox do they? That’s the test of true fame in my opinion (you can buy mine here.) Proper starlets like Zippy had a huge range of quality ephemera, ranging from pencil cases, lunch boxes and dolls that got taken to bed every night. God knows what when on in that zip, but it paid his mortgage.
 

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Celebrities I admire

I remember leaving China White back in the 90s with Anneka [Rice] and Schofield. The paparazzi nearly ripped my arms off, it was pandemonium. Amongst that mayhem something truly disgusting happened. Some one called me a puppet. But before the ‘p’ had left that ignoramus’ lips Anneka and 

Phil came to my rescue. They set upon him like a pair of blood thirsty zombie poodles. Rice was clawing at his eyes and Schofield was biting his testicles, daring him to say the ‘p’ word again.

From that moment on I knew we were BFF’s. These guys had talent. Not just for fighting either. They did their bit for the woolly acting community as well. Pudsey the bear once told me that Anneka was a beacon of equality even on the 1987 ‘Children in need’.






 

As for Schofield, the man, the legend, the enigma. When people think of Schofield, they often think of him as the silver fox he has become. I prefer to think of him as the svelte, chestnut headed beauty that supported GG (Gordon the Gopher) way back when. A man so confident in his own ability, he never minded playing second fiddle to a woolly actor. Look where it’s got him. There’s a lot to learn from Schofield.
 

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The injustices of fame

To conclude, I want to turn your attention to a dark injustice that is tormenting many, many careers.
 
Everyday, prejudices prevent many actors like myself from playing the roles we were born to play. Like a merciless plague, it has infected us and we have become sick. Sick to the back teeth of being relegated to the ungratifying world of advertising and children’s television, when we have so much more to offer. 

Many times I have asked myself what it is that makes us so very different? What divides us so callously? What makes casting directors of certain Hobbit based cinema shut the door in our faces? Well, my friend, it is simply because I am different, because I am made of wool.

It’s true, for too long we woolly actors have been cast aside and left on the cutting room floor, and those woollist xenophobes have had the upper hand. The greatest weapon they’ve had over us is our silence. Now the time has come to make our voices heard, which is why I have established the Woolly Actors Guild, an organisation that campaigns for equal rights for all actors regardless of whether they are woolly, furry, feathered or flesh.



 

I urge you to visit the woollyactorsguild.com where you will find fine performances that showcase the fine abilities of woolly actors. There you can sign our petition and play your part in creating a better future for woolly actors everywhere.
 
All we ask, is that you let us act.
 
Yours, Monkey.
 

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About the Author

Monkey is a woolly actor famed for his work within the PG Tips and ITV digital advertising campaigns. More recently, he has also established the Woolly Actors Guild, an organisation that campaigns for equal rights for woolly actors everywhere.

Credits

Lead Image. Mother; Story 1. Andy Warhol quote via RyanBoden.com; Story 2. Mother (Photoshop); Story 4. Mother; Story 5. Mother.

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